The Climb: A Young Mom’s Story of Love, Loss, & Perseverance
By Caitlin Loiselle
For much of my life, I’ve been told to never to take your life for granted because everything can change in an instant. At 25 years old, I can attest to that statement; life as you know it can change in the blink of an eye. The past 5 years have brought an almost indescribable amount of change to my life. The origins of who I am today trace back in many directions. However, the most significant event that molded me into the person I am today occurred in January 2017 when life as I knew it ended forever.
It was 2017 and I had just finished pulling my car into my parents’ driveway on a chilly, January evening. It was about 9:30pm, and I had just come home from a late-night trip to the local grocery store. I told my parents that I was heading out to grab a soda and I would be right back. I’ll admit, I fibbed a little. I did get a soda, but that was not the reason why I decided to go out. I also bought a pregnancy test. I had been feeling weird and off for about a week, and I thought I was getting sick. I chalked it up to the flu at first until I realized my period was almost two weeks late; I was never late. I had missed my shot of Depo-Provera (the birth control I had been taking), so I began to feel a bit anxious. So, I headed out to the grocery store and picked up a test that very night. I entered my house and ran straight into the bathroom. I bought a 2-pack and used both to take the test. The results took only a few minutes, and there it was on 2 little screens: a perfect, blue cross. I was pregnant at 20 years old. Surprisingly, I wasn’t upset. You would think that I would’ve been considering my age and the fact that I had been dating my then boyfriend for about 1 month. I wasn’t upset; I was cautiously optimistic. I refused to let myself feel anything until I broke the news to my then boyfriend. I didn’t plan on telling him over the phone, but he was busy and was unable to wait to hear what I had to say. I told him, and boy was he happy. Don’t get me wrong he was shocked, but we had fallen for each other hard and agreed we were going to make the best of our situation.
The next 9 months came and went. We found out we were having a daughter and began collecting everything we needed. Like many new parents, we went a little overboard (especially me). I loved buying clothes, bows, bedding, a $170 bottle cleanser that was never used, you know the typical stuff. I went through some very hard times as a kid, and I just wanted to make sure everything was perfect for my little princess.
I was so excited for the baby to come, but I also just didn’t want to be pregnant anymore. I had a rough pregnancy with lots of vomiting, extreme weight-gain, swelling, and pain. I was concerned but my doctor wasn’t. On my due date, I was assured that my baby was in the right position and she would be about 7.5lbs. I still laugh about that statement to this day because of what was really to come.
2 weeks after my due date, I walked into my local hospital to be induced. My daughter hadn’t budged; it was clear that my body was not going to naturally start labor. I began the induction process on September 16th at 7am and let me tell you, it was rough. My initial weigh-in was 220lbs. This was surprising to me because I was only 155lbs when I started this pregnancy; how had I gained 75lbs if I was only having a 7.5lb baby?
On the 17th, nothing was happening so they manually broke my water and began administering Pitocin. I was quickly blessed with an epidural, but I had a complication. My blood pressure shot down and I immediately passed out. I have some medical training, so I was pretty sure it was because I hadn’t received any fluids since the 16th before I came to the hospital. I was okay though, and was given a handheld button that I could press anytime I wanted more pain relief from the epidural. I was 6cm dilated at this point, and I had a window (an area where you can’t feel pain relief) as well as severe back labor. Naturally, I was in a lot of pain so I pressed the bolus button every 30 minutes when I needed more relief. I had too much though, and eventually I was unable to feel my legs. As a result, I couldn’t have any more medication because I wouldn’t have been able to push. They administered more Pitocin (a medication to start contractions) to me, and it did get me to dilate to 10cm. However, I wasn’t handling it well. My epidural completely wore off and the Pitocin wasn’t reacting well with my body; My uterus wasn’t contracting like it was supposed to. I pushed for over 6 hours and my daughter didn’t move an inch. It turns out she was at an awkward angle in my uterus (I later found out that I would’ve broken my pelvis if she had been pushed out vaginally). Soon enough, I began developing a fever with chills; an infection had begun because of how long my water had been broken. My oxygen saturation was plummeting, and my daughter’s heart rate was abnormally going down. They told me I needed a C-Section, and I had to get it immediately. Surprisingly, I was relieved. I was afraid for my baby, and I just wanted her to be delivered safely. I signed the forms and was wheeled down to the operating room.
It was extremely cold in the operating room. I saw a whole bunch of machines and my anxiety began to grow. I have had a lot of surgical procedures throughout my life, but that was the first one where I wasn’t put to sleep. As terrified as I was, I just wanted my baby out. The anesthesiologist gave me a spinal block and the curtain was put up. The surgeon began asking me if I could feel what he was doing, and I said no until he cut on the right side of my pelvis. It was a quick, burning sensation; I wasn’t fully numb. I began to panic so the nurse came to comfort me. I was maxed out on all pain medications and couldn’t have anymore. I knew I had to be brave, and it would be over soon.
I barely remember what happened next, but I know I found myself in an incredible amount of pain in my belly and my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack and began screaming for help. I was assured I was fine, and the baby was almost out. Suddenly, I felt a huge push on my chest and a pulling sensation in my pelvic area followed by the sweetest cry I have ever heard; my Selena Katherine was born. Almost immediately after I heard her cry, I heard the surgeon say, “oh my god!”. All the nurses began talking amongst each other and I realized that they were all placing bets on how big Selena was. After placing her on the scale, the surgeon excitedly announced that Selena was 10lbs and 40oz. I couldn’t believe it…10lbs and 4oz? And they wanted me to have a natural birth.
Shortly afterwards, all 10lbs of Selena was tightly swaddled and placed in a small hat with a pom-pom. She was given to her father, and he brought her next to my face so I could look at her. She had a perfect, round head with bright pink cheeks. I couldn’t believe how quiet and cute her cry was (don’t worry she found out how to really cry a few hours later). I could feel the happy sobs building in my throat, and I could only squeeze out a “hi” before breaking down in tears. I was so happy and full of the most intense love I have ever felt. This little baby was me; a mini-me!
Years went by and my life changed. Divorce, hardship, trauma, and loss worked their way in and embedded themselves into our lives. Change is hard, especially as a young mom. I had a dream that my child would have the happiest childhood with two-parents and a house with a white-picket fence. Sometimes life doesn’t work out that way though; mountains come out of nowhere and you have no choice but to climb. That’s exactly what I did. I climbed and climbed, every single day. Sometimes I fell down a bit; other times I fell all the way to the bottom. I got up every time though and began laying down a new foundation for Selena and I, and it was much stronger than what I had built before. This new life included more compassion, respect, true love, stability, and hard work. Now, I can stand on our new foundation proudly. I completed the climb, and I reached the summit. I know I have more climbs ahead of me and other summits to reach, but I will never doubt my abilities again. I will climb every mountain that life will put in my path, and I will do it for my daughter.
