Dear Diary: A Bipolar Woman’s Thoughts on Maintaining Mental-Wellness
Dear Diary,
I woke up at 11:30am today. This is the 4th day in a row that I’ve woken up so late. I’m really trying not to get too down about it, but it’s difficult when I know what’s coming. I guess it makes sense that depression is starting to set it considering I’ve been “okay” for three weeks; it’s always three weeks. I was telling my psychiatrist about that during my last session.
“That’s just how rapid-cycling bipolar works” she said.
For a few months, I’m very manic. Therapy and medication takes the edge off, but I still cycle nonetheless. Then, mania stops at an abrupt halt, and I enter a brief state of no symptoms. I can sleep, eat, think, work, function, feel, and act like a “normal” person; from the outside, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell that I had a severe mental illness. After 3 weeks, I start waking up late again. Next, my ability to take care of myself starts to slip through my fingers. I can feel the depression begin to catch up to me; I can never escape for long. I’m depressed for a few months, and then it’s the same cycle over and over again.
For a long time, I didn’t know how to handle it. Life was so exhausting and frustrating; all I wanted to do was give up and wait for the storm to past.
I don’t do that anymore though. In fact, I’ve been on a pretty could streak for 6 months. It doesn’t sound like much, but when you’ve been constantly mentally-ill since you were 11 it’s a little uplifting. My therapist and psychiatrist have been really good at helping me lean how to live a meaningful life despite my diagnosis.
So yeah, I woke up late today. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to take one of my walks. I think I’ll go in the woods today and hike my favorite trail. I just bought a new pair of headphones, so I’ll make a new playlist and tune out the world. I also downloaded a bunch of new songs so I’m excited to listen to them.
I’ll write back to you in a couple of days and let you know how I’m feeling. Crossing my fingers that this hike can release some endorphins. I think it will really help keep me out of the hole.
Love,
Caitlin
Dear Diary,
Thank god I took that hike. It’s been 3 days since my last entry and I’ve gone on two more hikes. I’m still waking up late, but I’m going to bed at a 10pm instead of 2am so I’ll take it.
I don’t have a lot of plans today, so I think I’m going to make one of my favorite snacks. My therapist tells me that I need to eat better and always asks me for my food journal. I think she’ll be happy to see that I’ve been eating 3 meals a day and snacks.
My favorite snack to make is a charcuterie board; salami, fruit, cheeses, olives, and prosciutto is what I usually make it with. Overall, it’s a really healthy snack and it leaves me feeling full and happy with myself.
Love,
Caitlin
Dear Diary,
My daughter is back from her dads and my heart is full. I really miss her presence when she’s gone; it’s as if a part of my heart goes with her and doesn’t come back until I see her running towards me screaming “MOMMY!”.
There was a huge snow storm today but I still wanted to take my walk. To my surprise, my daughter and my partner wants to come along with me! We all bundled ourselves up and decided to walk to the CVS down the road. We picked up some hot cocoa and walked back home. We all had so much fun.
Later on, the snow died down and I needed a Starbucks fix. I won’t lie, I got to Starbucks way more than I should but it is SO DAMN GOOD. I got my coffee and headed back home to make us all some dinner.
Thanks to family time and coffee, today was a good day. The teeth of depression have yet to sink into my skin. I must be doing something right.
Love,
Caitlin
Dear Diary,
I’m coming up on my last couple of weeks on my current medications. I feel bitter-sweet about it. These medications help me sleep and prevent severe, uncontrollable symptoms. My symptoms never disappear, but medication helps my symptoms reach a level where I can control myself. They were the first ones I’ve ever taken and I’ve been on them for two years. However, they don’t really work as well as they should be anymore, which is why I’m going to be switching them. I’m nervous for withdrawal and the symptoms that are going to occur, but hopefully it won’t be too bad.
One thing I’m proud of is that I have never gone off my medication. I’ve taken them religiously everyday and have never missed a dose. It’s important to me to stay stable and without medication it wouldn’t be possible.
I’m not ashamed to be on medication for mental illness and I’m very open about it. The brain is the most important organ in the body; we couldn’t survive without it. So why is medication to help the brain so stigmatized? It doesn’t make sense.
Take your meds people. You would take meds for a headache, so take them for your mental health. There’s no shame.
Love,
Caitlin
Dear Diary,
I’m working on some new makeup content today. I’ve been slacking a little bit because of depression but I feel quite energized, motivated, and creative today. Makeup is quite therapeutic for me because it grounds me to my surroundings and acts as a creative outlet.
Makeup has done something for me that nothing else was able to do. A couple of years ago, a really traumatic crime was committed against me. It ruined my self-esteem, self-worth, and I began a descent into self-hatred.
I’ve always been a creative person and dabbled in all medias. One of favorite mediums is makeup artistry. I began applying makeup every single day. You’re right, I didn’t like how I looked; every time I looked at myself, I saw a broken girl. I wanted to cover up the invisible cracks to my soul that no one else could see, and makeup allowed me to do that.
Unbeknownst to me, a profound healing was occurring underneath the surface; I was becoming really good at makeup. Slowly but surely, every time I finished a look I was beginning to love the person staring back at me. I got to the point where people were complimenting me in the streets and asking me if I was a makeup artist. I decided to start photographing my looks and also began a TikTok account. I gained a following and my account began to grow.
Makeup started out as a therapy to repair my broken soul. It allowed me to develop a talent and influenced me to love myself again. I created this saying that goes something like this:
“Nobody needs makeup to be beautiful. But… Makeup can help you remember your own true beauty if you have become blind to it.”
Ironically, I wear less makeup now than I ever have in my life.
Love,
Caitlin
Dear Diary,
Some people don’t like clichés, saying, or quotes; I love them. My love for quotes began when I was in the hospital in 2020. I didn’t have much in my room, but I did have a book full of motivational and inspiring quotes. After I got on a good medication regimen and was able to focus on words, I began to read it.
I found that I could relate to so many of the sayings and quotes in the book. It motivated me and influenced me to look up from the bottom of rock-bottoms basement. From there, I could see the stars of hope, courage, endurance, and love.
Today was one of those days that I needed to read some of those quotes and I’m happy I did. Mental illness won’t define my life any longer; a meaningful life is in my grasp.
Love,
Caitlin
